The Sweet Escape from Akon & Gwen Stefani

The abundant one unabashedly endorses the power of a great pop song, so don't accuse me of harboring just run-of-the-mill hatred for what must surely be classified as a platinum scourge: GWEN STEFANI. And Akon's hook causes upchucking into every pore only to suffer the further indignation of reabsorbing the vomit to spew again as he wails:

AKON:

Pooh! Pooh!
Pee! Pee!
Pooh! Pooh!
Pee! Pee!

GWEN:
If you could escape
Would you find yourself another world?
Where you'll never hear this No Doubt girl
Who thinks she's clever
Dressing up in leather
Madonna she ain't missing no sleep
The Japanese
Aren't touchy 'bout those chicks I keep
Prancing 'round me, drag 'em on my leash
Ya like my sweater?
Fuchsia plaid with pleather
A steal at only $893.....

AKON:

Pooh! Pooh!
Pee! Pee!
Pooh! Pooh!
Pee! Pee!

GWEN:
Maybe
This crap I'm putting out sounds kind of
Crazy
To the elementary crowd who
Crave Me
Don't care just as long as they
Pay Me
Instead of savin' rock 'n roll sold out 'n got real
Lamey
My clothing line's named after animals that smell
Gamey

Flipperty Gibberty Superdee Dooperdee Plipperty Plopperty Plop!

AKON:

Pooh! Pooh!
Pee! Pee!
Pooh! Pooh!
Pee! Pee!

Late Night Calls

I have an old friend who's famous for never calling or even picking up her telephone, but we go way back (twenty years now) so whatever. Except that lately she's taken to calling my boyfriend's cell phone when she's drunk in the middle of the night. To tell him things like "I'm going to walk my dog" or, "I was walking my dog [drunk] and some fool followed me home and he's in my living room and can you get rid of him?". Last night more of the same at 1:25 in the AM. I just handed him the telephone and sarcastically said "It's your girlfriend". I've checked his cell phone and he's not calling her that I can tell. And we're together all the time so if they did anything it was in a blink of the eye. Tori Amos sings The sexiest thing is trust which feels true compared to this springtime frost that courses through my veins when I think about how ridiculous he is for defending her calls ("she's drunk and we're friends"). Fuck the lot of 'em. Why am I continuing to surround myself with people who hate me? Oh yeah, I'm mentally ill.

Review: TIME LIFE Soft Rock Classics Infomercial

Nothing beats a late night infomercial. Let me amend that. Nothing beats a late night infomercial when you're ten days cigarette free and have made a vow to not let alcohol pass your lips for at least the next month because you left some valuable shit on the subway platform last Sunday night after slurping down a bottle of cheap (but organic!) wine with an old friend. I actually LIKE infomercials and I don't watch (that much) TV. Something about the format turns a believer out of the abundant one quicker than you can say "Call Now".

Nothing beats a late night infomercial starring the 2 Russell's from Air Supply! We (moi; my roomie: Jet; my boyfriend: Will) thrilled to see the aging duo, cold chillin' on a set made to look like someones beach front villa, an acoustic guitar handily available for another chorus of Even the nights are be-he-ter. Even though his afro is flat and grey, Lead Singer Russell croaked out a heartfelt Since I Found Yewwwwww. Ahhh. That's money right there.

Nothing beats being able to sing along with said late night infomercial. My man surprised me with his uncanny renditions of those early '80's classics. He knows every tune from Year of the Cat to Blue Bayou to that Benny Mardones song that starts with the classic pedophile line She's Only Sixteen Years Old.... And all the residents of the funky basement at 602B had to get up on that dirty rug we call dance floor to move to I Wanna Kiss You All Over.

All I could think about while watching Air Supply was how weird it is that I know that the blonde-Andrew-Ridgley-back-up member of the group is last named Russell and the lead singer's first name is Russell, too. A girl in my high school slept with a bass player from the Air Supply band when they came to play Taipei back in the early '80's - or so the lore around school had it. I wanted to brag about this fact too, but that would be too much information, even for me.

What is "the other side of soft rock"? Someone got paid for that brilliant copy. Perhaps they were as perplexed as we were to find Bryan Adams' Please Forgive Me and that greasy, bearded dude singing Walking In Memphis in this collection. It didn't fit with all the stealing away and eclipsing of hearts. Which led to my boyfriend confessing a steamy affair with an old boss who looked like Bonnie Tyler back in the...(OK, this is not his blog after all....) Points off for leaving us without a much needed exploration of these so-called other facets of the soft rock zirconium. Five points added because I was making sure to brag over Will's singing: "My friend Pat works for TIME LIFE Europe and is responsible for selling this very collection....I can get it for free!!!!". So, Pat, if you're reading this....

Please don't innundate my blogspot with comments to this post requesting free copies of this collection. You're going to have to get up and get to working like all the rest of the non-connected world to afford your big ballad fix.

Sunder's Legacy

Today all the fruit from the Kaula tree congealed into so much sweet jam I'm left licking my lips all happy in new contentment. My sister Charmaine drove down 95 on her way to Fort Bragg where Uncle Sam plans to put her on a plane to South Korea early tomorrow morning. We missed a 24 year reunion by a few miles thanks to those last minute orders. It looks like we'll have to plan a trip down there to see her, soon. She's so kind and warm over the phone, as nice as she ever was, my big half-sister. Alan sent me this photo of our father and it makes me smile to think that all the troubles at Sikandra road are finally finished and that all of his seed will be gathered at jolly old house late this summer to finish the saga. My cousin Goldie and Uncle Darshan are taking good care of all of our interests and I feel really lucky to have such a nice family, as distant as we all are.

Review: American Doll Posse & Volta

May is turning out to be a truly abundant month! Tori Amos and Bjork released albums within the past two weeks. The last time I was this excited was when Madonna and Kate Bush released albums in the same year (and we all know whose was better, but all hail the Queen of Kabbalah anyhoo!).

American Doll Posse is another long ass CD from The Goddess Amos, and worth almost all the time it takes to listen to. Tori's stomping and rocking and bringing the house down with some of her heaviest outings to date (Big Wheel, Body & Soul, Teenage Hustling). The slower tempo ballads don't water down into AM rock land like they did back on Scarlet's Walk (2002). Vocally she's sounding strong and not playing the same phonetic games she did on The Beekeeper which will make this album a lot more accessible to new fans. Standout tracks: Roosterspur Bridge, Code Red, Dark Side of the Sun and Body & Soul. Don't let the "personalities" Tori puts on scare you away. This album kicks and stirs beyond anything Strange Little Girls had. It's Tori. It's original. And now I will not be able to write my own
songs for at least the next month because I'll be listening to this album over and over and over...
















Volta has our Icelandic Priestess grooving in the digital realm once again. After the strange vocalization that made up Medulla it's good to have her back. Being Bjork, however, these are not your radio friendly boom baps. It's a riotous cacophony of sound. It's urgent. It's jarring. It's scary. And ultimately, rewarding after a few listens. Stand out track: Declare Independence. The lyrics to that song are so right on I may have to get them tattooed on myself!

GUN CONTROL

Is it right In this world To expose Boys and Girls To the madness of people Who would kill for their evil? VA Tech Columbine In our streets Sniper Fire Though we know how it happens We won't put down our weapons Why? How does a teenage boy procure the might? Bring death with arms that could not win a fight The power in that steel he held brought pain never imagined His Right? 9 Millimeters trusted to that mind A background check determined it was fine Now we should mourn the fact that we don't question any laws All we are asking for is GUN CONTROL There is a way for us We can decide All we are asking for is GUN CONTROL Let's make our country safe for human rights I wrote this in response to the Virginia Tech shootings. The entire day was spent in anguish, worrying about the safety of Caitlin Crowley and her mother, Joan. Fortunately she is OK, but a girl she went to high school with in Springfield, Leslie, was murdered.